Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[rave]

Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?

Dentist: $200

Patient: $200 for just a few minutes work???

Dentist: I can extract it very slowly, if you like.

[rave]

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.
"Can you tell me how much you charge?", said the client.
"Of course", the lawyer replied, "I charge $200 to answer three questions!"
"Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?"
"Yes it is", said the lawyer, "And what's your third question?"

[rave]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few golden watches. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how the whole individual coud be punished for an offense committed just by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendantâ€s arm to one yearâ€s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyerâ€s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[rave]

He was a very cautious man, who never romped or played. He never smoked, he never drank, nor even kissed a maid. And when up and passed and away, insurance was denied. For since he hadn't ever lived, they claimed he never died.

[rave]

A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. "Alright," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $2500 down and $582.50 cents each month for the next thirty-six months. "What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client. "Your right. It's mine."

[rave]

An extremely slim man went in to a bank on his hands and knees begging for a loan so he could feed his family. The nice banker have issued the loan and said, "I suggest you go right out and buy some food." The man said, "Don't tell me what to do with my money!"

[rave]

What's an insolvency practitioner?

Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

[rave]

A woman went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There price on the cage was $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the owner. He looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff." The woman thought about this, but decided she had to buy the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,"New house, new madam, new girls." The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Later, the woman's husband Ray came home.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Ray!"

[rave]

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, which said

'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

[rave]

How many McDonald's restaurant managers does it take to replace a light bulb?

One, but first he has to watch the training video three times.

[rave]

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his order. Still the man said nothing. The priest asked,

"Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?" The dying man said, "Until I know for sure where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."

[rave]

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. Taken aback, the loan officer requested collateral, so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safekeeping, and gave the man $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir," the loan officer said, "While you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled.

"Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

[rave]

A lady walked into a drugstore and told the pharmacist she needed some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license."

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife, and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[rave]

An honest politician and Santa Claus were walking down the street and saw a $3 bill.

Which one picked it up?

Santa of course! The other two don't exist.

[rave]

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.

"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold; your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be 100. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls will rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment. "So, what's the catch?" he asked.