Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[cAstAgeAr]

The bride tells her husband
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

[cAstAgeAr]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.

The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.

She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.

As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "f*** him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[cAstAgeAr]

More Motivation

[NEMESIS]

That X girlfreind thing was ace lol

[Ruffy]

[attachment=2634]

[attachment=2635]

If Mr Hanky offends then do not open this attachment [attachment=2636]

[attachment=2637]

Cheers Ruffy

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[cAstAgeAr]

[Ruffy]

Maybe they locked onto a Busa



Top this for a speeding ticket...



Two Hunter traffic patrol officers from Newcastle LAC were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the F3 Freeway. One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 kph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a Williamtown Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over Wyong, approaching from the Ocean.

Back at police headquarters the Local Area Commander fired off a stiff complaint to the RAAF Liaison officer at Williamtown.

Back came the reply in true laconic RAAF style:

"Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air- to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed. Thank you for your enquiry.


Cheers Ruffy

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

[NEMESIS]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the SHIT out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[cAstAgeAr]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour

__________________________________________________

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on
TV,
how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching
them
die.

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking

__________________________________________________

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad
tracks?
( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a
list of them in Brisbane ,
Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (
USA )

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings
Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is
..
oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Come naked.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

____________________________ ______________________

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round?
( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal .

__________________________________________________

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget
its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of
anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you
go
out walking.

__________________________________________________

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population
is
smaller than the male population? ( Italy )

A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*.
Can you help? ( USA )

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[Bill Gaheer]

[jaycbr250]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly
asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was
going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment
on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was
nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was
half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just
as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and
noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
the nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he
Fell to the ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees
and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off
even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I
could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I
thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony,
and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!
The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack
and died almost instantly." The Angel sat back and thought a moment.

Technically, the guy did have a bad day,it was a crime of passion.

So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,"
and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it
was Kevin Rudd." Mr. Rudd, before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died." Kevin said, "No
problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of a
26th floor apartment where we were staying for a conference doing my daily
exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing
hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away,
slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to
catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this
crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my
fingers Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which
broke my fall, so I didn't die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things
off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me
instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Kevin finishes his
story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he
lets Rudd enter.

A few seconds later, Shane Warne comes up to the gate. The Angel is
almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of demon bowlers or car
accidents pour through the Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr Warne ,
please tell me what it was like the day you died."

Shane says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator......"

[cAstAgeAr]

15 ways to tell if you are a Collingwood Fan

1. A Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife does.
2. You let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the dinner table in Front of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."
5. Someone in your family once died right after saying, "Hey, watch this!"
6. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
7. A ceiling fan once ruined your wife's hairdo.
8. You think the last words of Advance Australia Fair are: " Carn The Pies!"
9. You lit a match in the kitchen and your house exploded.....
Lifting it right off its wheels.
10. The market value of your Honda goes up and down depending on
How much petrol is in it.
11. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
12. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
13. You can't marry your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
14. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
15. Your front veranda collapses and killed more than five dogs.

[cAstAgeAr]

Mick Malthouse goes to a football reunion at Richmond and starts
Chatting with Terry Wallace. Terry says to Mick, "Well Mick, I don't
know what you think of your players at Collingwood, but mine here are
all bright and brilliant."
"How do you know?" asks Mick.
"Oh well, it's simple", says Terry. "We put them through a special
intelligence test before they can play here. Just pick any of my
players and we will see how well he does. "Mick thinks for a while and
then nominates Matthew Richardson.
Terry calls him over and asks him, "Tell me Matty, who is the child of
your father and of your mother Who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
"Ah, that's simple plow," says Matthew, "it's me".
"Well done Matty", says Terry, and Mick is very impressed.
Mick returns to Collingwood and wonders about the intelligence of The
team.
He calls in Buckley and asks," Nathan, tell me, who is the child of
Your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"
Nathan thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer.
"Can I think about it a bit more Mick, and I'll give you an answer tomorrow?"
"Of course," says Mick, "you've got 24 hours. But it is very Important that you come up with the answer."
Nathan goes away, thinks as hard as he can, and then he calls in His
team-mates.
Rocca thought it might be his Grandpa but wasn't sure.
Tarrant was certain that it couldn't be anyone.
McKee admitted he was sacked from Richmond for not knowing.
Cloke also owned up to failing the test while trying to get a Position
at Punt Rd.
Prestigiacomo thought it could be a cousin in Italy who had been
Adopted as a child.
The rest of the team wouldn't even hazard a guess. Licuria went into
the foetal position.
20 hours later, Nathan is very worried that he still has no answer
With only 4 hours to go.
Eventually Nathan says "I know, I'll ring James Hird! He's clever,
he'll know the answer."
He calls James. "Hirdy," he says, "tell me, who is the child of Your
father and of your mother who is not you brother and is not your
sister?"
" Very simple," says James, "it's me!"
"Of course!" says Nathan and immediately rings Mick.
"Mick," says Nathan, " I've got the answer: it's James Hird."
"No, you idiot," says Mick. "It's Matthew Richardson."