Recently I received a warning about the use of this politically incorrect term, so please note, we all need to be more sensitive in our choice of words. I have been informed the Islamic terrorists, who hate our guts and want to kill us, do not like to be called "Towel Heads" since the item they wear on their heads is not actually a towel but, in fact, a small folded sheet.
Therefore, from this point forward, please refer to them as 'LITTLE SHEET HEADS'.
Thank you for your support and compliance on this delicate matter.
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
They had sex for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice: "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
BRADDO
The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided,"What the heck, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that wastoo unsafe. Finally,he realised his solution.
On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his trouser leg. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied,"What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
BRADDO
We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons",
where:
means a smile and is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
and :-( respectively. Well, how about some "assicons"? Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
BRADDO
Hey!!! must of modelled this guy on my brother
The Penis Wants a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the
following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting
other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
The Management.
5 reasons not to be a penis...
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
******************************
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
******************************
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
******************************
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?
******************************
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
******************************
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
******************************
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
******************************
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
******************************
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
******************************
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
******************************
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
******************************
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
******************************
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
******************************
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
******************************
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
******************************
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed ondead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
******************************
Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
******************************
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
******************************
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
******************************
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on my desk.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
"Don't ride behind me, I may not lead. Don't ride in front of me, I may not follow. Just ride beside me and be my friend."
GOT SENT THIS LINK. PRETTY FUNNY.
JUST SPOT THE DIFFERENCE IN THE PHOTOS.
members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf
Not hungry
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.
"Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe
some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something.
"A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she enquires.
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for
food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
"Would you like maybe a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple
pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."
A woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development
on the inside of her thighs; a green spot on the inside of each. They
won't wash off, they won't scrape off, and they seem to be getting
worse. The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem,
and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. It's the doctor. She
immediately begs to know what's causing the spots?
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy... there's no problem, but
I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.
He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says,
"No, I'm your son's math teacher"
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is a priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this place and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
HA HA HA, I can relate to a lot of those thoughts, but I've never been a secretary.
Here is one for our NZers. (Probably seen it before)
A New Zealander was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus
clouds the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get "those feelings" again.
He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman,
cautiously, and whispered in her ear, "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Rgds BUSGO
"TAKE MY ADVICE"
I'm not using it anyway!
>>> > Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006
>>> > Expire Date: Sep 6th, 2006
>>> > $10,000
>>> > 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000
>>> > Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006
>>> > 2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had
>>> > its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all
>>> > wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter.
>>>
>>> > I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a
>>> > loving wife. Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean
>>> > what I thought. Call me, Steve. (801)867-8292
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