Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[Ruffy]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face!

You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!

Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[arthur dunga]

THE RULES
1. THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES
The rules are subject to change at any time without notice.
No male can possibly know all the rules.Nearly all females are born with this knowledge.
If the female suspects the male knows the rules, she may immediately change any or all of them.
2. THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG
If the female is wrong,it is because of a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong.
If rule2 part 1 applies the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
3. THE FEMALE CAN CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY GIVEN POINT IN TIME.
The male must never change his mind without express written consent from the female.
4. THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME.
The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.
The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
5. ANY ATTEMPT BY THE MALE TO CHANGE ANY OF THESE RULES COULD RESULT IN SEVERE BODILY HARM
Glen Close

[NEMESIS]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat".
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am.. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted

[NEMESIS]

[attachment=2567]

[NEMESIS]

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of
this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

'The wife replied, 'The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess.'....

[cAstAgeAr]

[NEMESIS]

The train was packed, and the U. S. Marine Walked the entire length looking for a seat, but a well-dressed, Middle-aged, French woman's poodle took the Only seat remaining. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was Under that dog.
"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little Dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American In his place !"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your vehicles on the wrong side of the road.
And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[tenacious]

Where do you get those pics with the "memorable sayings" from?

I wanna get a copy of that one with the guy riding the little pocket bike.

[cAstAgeAr]

Where do you get those pics with the "memorable sayings" from?

I wanna get a copy of that one with the guy riding the little pocket bike.

PM me your Email address and i will send it to you

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

"My wife caught a Peeping Tom last night, and she'd have killed him if we hadn't stopped her," said George.
"He must have made her very angry, peeking at her, huh?" replied his friend.
"No, that's not what made her the maddest," the husband chuckled.
"It's not?" asked the friend.
"No, she got mad when he reached in the window and closed the curtains!"

[LOAFIE]

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The
husband, although very
much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old
buddies .

So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh?" asked the wife.

"I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different
kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland,
Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they
have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him
by saying,

"You want a frozen glass, puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was
getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the
Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't
be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out
5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets,
mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty
words and all that..."


"You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn
frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married
now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?"


........and, they lived happily ever after.

[MrsTonysEvilTwin]

A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage through the bars.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the sleeve of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to eat her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl.

The biker brings her back to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter who has seen the whole scene, comes over and says,

'Sir, that was the most gallant and brave thing I ever saw a man do in my whole life.'

The biker replies,

'It was nothing, really. The lion was behind the bars and I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt it was the right thing to do.'

The reporter continues,

'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's paper will have this on the first page. By the way, what type of motorcycle do you ride?'

'A Harley Davidson.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if the news of his actions yesterday has made the papers. He reads on front page:

- "BIKIE GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AN AFRICAN IMMIGRANT - AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

[NEMESIS]

Two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the aircraft. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some kind of a sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport property. Just as it begins to look as though the plane will plow straight into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines and books, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
Meanwhile, in the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and
says, 'You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die' !!

[cAstAgeAr]

ABC's of ex girlfriends
A
is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you you twit she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B
is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C
is for Call ya later.She won't. She never has before.

D
is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E
is for Eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F
is for Friends. That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G
is for Gun. And yes there is a waiting period.

H
is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I
stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J
stands for Jim. This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K
stands for Kill.

L
is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.

L
is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M
stands for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.

N
stands for Necropheliac. She didn't move very much, did she?

O
is for On top. When on top she has another O word.

P
is for Pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q
is for Quitter. She couldn't last.

R
is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.

S
stands for Suffer. That's what she made me do.

T
is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U
is for Understatement. Saying you hate that bitch is an understatement.

V
is for Voluptuous. That is the primamry reason you were dating her in the first place.

W
stands for Whine. She was a pro at this.

X
is for Xylophone. Because X is always for xylophone.

Y
stands for You suck! Remember when she yelled that at you.

Z
stands for ZIPPER. This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

.
stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

[cAstAgeAr]

Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'