Laughter... The Best Medicene PLEASE USE NEW THREAD

[cheeky]

some of the artists from the 60,s and 70, are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging boomers

they include............


hermans hermits -mrs brown you have a lovely walker

ringo starr-i get by with a lil help from my depends

the bee gees-how can you mend a broken hip

bobby darin-splish splash i was havin a flash

roberta flack-the frist time i ever forgot your face

jonny nash-i cant see clearly now

paul simon-fifty ways to loose your liver

the commodores-- once , twice,threetimes too the bathroom

marvin gaye --heard it through the grape nuts

procol harem-- a whiter shade of hair

leo sayer-- you make me feel like napping

the temptations-papas got a kidney stone

abba-denture queen

tony orlando-knock 3 times on the ceiling if you hear me fall

helen reddy- i am woman hear me snore

leslie gore-its my proceedure and ill cry if i want too

and of course

willie nelson- on the commode again

[BUSGO]

I resemble - err remember, many of those old tunes.

[MrsTony]

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!

One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door.
A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humour her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.
The biker asks, "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there,"and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama.Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
She thinks for a minute and then says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times and kinda liked it .

[MrsTony]

An Australian Love Poem
(Who said Australians weren't romantic?)

Of course I love ya darling
You're a bloody top notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word

So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought u was as good as
I Was ever gonna get

No matter wot u look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy's on
And fetch another beer.

[bigfoot]

good one trix!!

[Bill Gaheer]

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize … you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down… and thatâ€s when you realize… you have been listening to your ipod.

[Bill Gaheer]

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. It was an interesting conversation.

The first surgeon said, “I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered.”
The second replied, “I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded.”
The third added, “I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. you open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth one boasted, “I like to operate on lawyers. Theyâ€re heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable.”
Fifth surgeon said, “I like Engineers. . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end…”

[Bill Gaheer]

Here is a list of the all time best Homer Simpson quotes ever.

> Son, when you participate in sporting events, itâ€s not whether you win or lose: itâ€s how drunk you get.

>Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, youâ€d step over your own mother just to get one! But you canâ€t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

>Whatâ€s the point of going out? Weâ€re just going to wind up back here anyway.

>Iâ€m normally not a praying man, but if youâ€re up there, please save me, Superman.

>Fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug were the drugs.

>Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?

>I hope I didnâ€t brain my damage.

>Weaseling out of things is important to learn. Itâ€s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

>Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

>How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

>Old people donâ€t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

>Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything thatâ€s even remotely true!

>How could you?! Havenâ€t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws! Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didnâ€t hear anybody laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Makes sound effects and laughs. Where was I? Oh yeah! Stay out of my booze.

>You donâ€t like your job, you donâ€t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. Thatâ€s the American way.

>Oh, Iâ€m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I donâ€t have to listen to myself. Iâ€m drunk.

[Bill Gaheer]

Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.
A2: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
----------
Q: How many ‘Real Women†does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A ‘Real Woman†would have plenty of ‘real men†around to do it.
----------
Q: How many ‘Real Men†does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: ‘Real Men†arenâ€t afraid of the dark (guess the women are screwed).
----------
Q: How many government workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. Eighteen to stand around, one to change the bulb, and another to supervise.
----------
Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession.
----------
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
----------
Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
----------
Q: How many country singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, another to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
----------
Q: How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only screw the poor (ouch.. I canâ€t believe I posted this one).
----------
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to refer an installation specialist, and another to bill it all to Medicare.
----------
Q: How many college football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semesterâ€s credit for it too.
----------
Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes.
----------

[Bill Gaheer]

A professor at Auburn University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. Getting a feel for his students, he asks “How many of you believein ghosts?” About 80 of his students raise their hands.

“Thatâ€s a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?” About 30 students raise their hands.

“Thatâ€s good. Iâ€m really glad youâ€re taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” About a dozen students raise their hands.

“Thatâ€s a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?” Two students raise their hands. “Thatâ€s fantastic. But let me ask you one last question… have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, in all the years Iâ€ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why donâ€t you come up here and tell us about it.”

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what itâ€s like to have sex with a ghost.”

The student replies, “Ghost? Oh… I thought you said ‘goatsâ€!”

[Bill Gaheer]

American, Canadian And A Jew In Heaven (no offence)


On a dark and stormy night, an American, Canadian and a Jew were in a horrible car accident. All three were rushed to the hospital, though all three had died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he awoke and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what had happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a bright white light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $150 we could return to the earth.”

He continued, ” So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $150, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“Thatâ€s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”

[Bill Gaheer]

One day Little Johnny walks up to his Mom and says, “Mommy, is God Black or White?”

She replies, “Well, Honey, God is both Black and White.”

Then he says, “Mommy, is God a boy or a girl?”

“God is both a boy and a girl, Honey,” she replies.

“Mommy, is God gay or straight?” he inquires again.

Getting a little irritated, the mother replies, “Well, Honey, God is both gay and straight.”

After thinking for a moment, Johnny looks up and asks, “Mommy, is God Michael Jackson?”

[MrsTony]

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

"Twenty quid . . " she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck,
it's only twenty quid ..

So they hide in the bushes. They're going at it for a couple of
minutes when all of a sudden a light flashes on them, it's a police
officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," Paddy says, "neither did I, until you shined that light in her
Face."

[cAstAgeAr]

A Somalian arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia .
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says........
'Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am a Lebanese!'


The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia '

The person says, 'I not an Ozzie, I from Yugoslavian!'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you to the wonderful Australians!'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Italy , I am not from Australia !'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an Australian'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Australians?'

The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'

[Raging]

A guy comes home one evening after work with a box of flavoured condoms.

He says to his wife "Lets play a game, I will put one on and you can guess what fllavour it is!"

She agrees and they both jump into bed, she climbs under the sheets and starts blowing him...

30 seconds later she comes up and says "I got it! That flavour is cheese and onion!"

"Bloody hell woman, let me put one of first!"