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Stress Management:
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work. Youâ€re smiling already
Cheers Ruffy
Insert appropriate suburb
A Port Adelaide girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Port Adelaide girl,
"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan
and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Port Adelaide girl, "Its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'
or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it...
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Port Adelaide girl... "I just use their surnames"
===========================================
An Port Adelaide girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll
take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
=============================================
Q. Two Port Adelaide girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
=========================================
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Port Adelaide girl?
A.. Granny.
===============================================
Q. Why did the Port Adelaide girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
==============================================
Q. What do you call an Port Adelaide girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride...
=============================================
Q. What's the first question during an Port Adelaide quiz night?
A. What the f*** are you looking at?
==============================================
Q. What does a Port Adelaide girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
================================================
Q. Two Port Adelaide kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..
================================================== ===
Q. What's the difference between a boy and a Port Adelaide girl?
A. An Port Adelaide girl has a higher sperm count.
===============================================
Q. What's the most confusing day in Port Adelaide ?
A. Father's day
================================================
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Port Adelaide ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Cheers Ruffy
Old Flame
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have...'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to f*** off.
A ringer from a cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of yaâ€s!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist...."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies: "Didn't feel a thing."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eyestaring back at him in the bathroom mirror.. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with littlehearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16-year-old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'
Confused,he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:
PRICELESS
Spot the mistake:
[attachment=6767]
Irish Vasectomy...
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided enough was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy but it was expensive.
He explained a less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can,
Then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,'
At which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania and several suburbs in Brisbane
1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.
2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.
3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.
4. No one knows your secret place.
5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.
6. The soothing sound of a gentle water fall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.
There!! See? It really does work. Youâ€re smiling already
Cheers Ruffy
Insert appropriate suburb
A Port Adelaide girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the assessor.
"Ten" replies the Port Adelaide girl,
"Ten?" says the Centrelink worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan
and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Port Adelaide girl, "Its great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have shout 'NATHAN, YER DINNER'S READY!'
or 'NATHAN GO TO BED NOW!' and they all do it...
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
Centrelink worker.
"That's easy," says the Port Adelaide girl... "I just use their surnames"
===========================================
An Port Adelaide girl enters an adult shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall." She says "I'll
take the red one."
The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."
=============================================
Q. Two Port Adelaide girls jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.
=========================================
Q. What do you call a 30 year old Port Adelaide girl?
A.. Granny.
===============================================
Q. Why did the Port Adelaide girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.
==============================================
Q. What do you call an Port Adelaide girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride...
=============================================
Q. What's the first question during an Port Adelaide quiz night?
A. What the f*** are you looking at?
==============================================
Q. What does a Port Adelaide girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
================================================
Q. Two Port Adelaide kids in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..
================================================== ===
Q. What's the difference between a boy and a Port Adelaide girl?
A. An Port Adelaide girl has a higher sperm count.
===============================================
Q. What's the most confusing day in Port Adelaide ?
A. Father's day
================================================
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Port Adelaide ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Cheers Ruffy
Old Flame
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who this morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.
'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.
'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have...'
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'
So I told her to f*** off.
A ringer from a cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the #$%$)@ out of the lot of yaâ€s!"
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple minutes ago..."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then
washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist...."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies: "Didn't feel a thing."
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eyestaring back at him in the bathroom mirror.. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with littlehearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His 16-year-old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind; you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door'
Confused,he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'
His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!'
Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:
PRICELESS
Spot the mistake:
[attachment=6767]
Irish Vasectomy...
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided enough was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy but it was expensive.
He explained a less costly alternative was to go home, get a large fire-cracker, light it, put it in a beer can,
Then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The husband said to the doctor, 'B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,'
At which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in New Zealand , Tasmania and several suburbs in Brisbane