01-10-2007, 08:38am
> Jeremy Clarkson Quotes (Top Gear - SBS)
>
> "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
> Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963 and as you would imagine it's
> full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
> get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for
> me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In
> a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
>
> About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be
> doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to
> come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
>
> "... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a
> politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper
> in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"
>
> "America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for
> wanker"
>
> Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a
> greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
>
> On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car:
> it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and its not "soot."
> Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
> Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is
> another league of badness!"
>
> "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
> That's what gets you."
>
> "The air conditioning in Lambo's used to be an asthmatic sitting in
> the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
>
> "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
> comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
>
> "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
> convertible was Adolf Hitler."
>
> (Fed up during the caravanning trip) "You aren't allowed to have a
> party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play
> ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to
> park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to
> be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration
> camp!"
>
> "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people
> carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
> 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
> diseases.'"
>
> On the Mercedes CLs55: "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would
> be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
>
> "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
> places quicker than I do?"
>
> Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars
> domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be
> on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough
> to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
>
> "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter
> from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this
> red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
> Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off. What I actually said
> was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ninny'."
>
> "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
> because they don't have wheel-chair access."
>
> "If we are being honest, HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live
> in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10
> days in 10 years."
>
> "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
> affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
> cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
>
> On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French
> air force crashing into a firework factory."
>
> "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the
> back because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is
> 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on
> the tailgate..."
>
> "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000.
> The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just...."
> Hammond: "THAT bad is it?"
> Clarkson: "Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole
> different league."
>
> "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a
> car, put it on sale and then found out how it handled. Usually when
> one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
> dead he was."
>
> "The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when
> God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit
> into them."
>
> Assessing Hammond's crash:
> Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to
> come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
> Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
> Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the
> office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me,
> wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
>
> "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-
> behaved...for a murderer."
>
> "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals
> duty to be on my plate at supper time."
>
> "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality
> of stitching... on their face."
>
> "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really
> work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it
> so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
> sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
>
> "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it,
> if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do,
> and it helps."
>
> "You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I won't go
> to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance,
> she's a woman!"
>
> "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a
> sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
> equivalent of a President."
>
> On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive
> gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with
> gingivitis."
>
> "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
> Ethiopian transvestite"
>
> "We start tonight with the highlight of my childhood. It's the
> Ladybird Book of Motorcars from 1963 and as you would imagine it's
> full of rubbish really. Just endless boring grey shapes, until you
> get to page 40, where you find the Maserati 3500 GT. Now this for
> me, when I was little, was kind of like Jordan and Cameron Diaz. In
> a bath together. With a Lightning jet fighter. And lots of jelly."
>
> About the Porsche Cayman S: "There are many things I'd rather be
> doing than driving it, including waiting for Bernard Manning to
> come off stage in a sweaty nightclub, and then licking his back clean"
>
> "... the last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a
> politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper
> in the air saying there will be no war with Germany"
>
> "America: 250 million wankers living in a country with no word for
> wanker"
>
> Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a
> greased stick out of a pig's bottom"
>
> On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car:
> it begins with 's' and ends with 't' and its not "soot."
> Hammond: "So its fairly terrible then?"
> Clarkson: "Oh no...losing your leg is fairly terrible: this is
> another league of badness!"
>
> "Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary...
> That's what gets you."
>
> "The air conditioning in Lambo's used to be an asthmatic sitting in
> the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."
>
> "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More
> comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"
>
> "The only person to ever look good in the back of a 4-seater
> convertible was Adolf Hitler."
>
> (Fed up during the caravanning trip) "You aren't allowed to have a
> party, you aren't allowed to have music, you aren't allowed to play
> ball games, you aren't allowed to have a camp fire, you have to
> park within two feet of a post, you have to keep quiet, you have to
> be in bed by eleven. This is not a holiday, it's a concentration
> camp!"
>
> "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people
> carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying
> 'Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted
> diseases.'"
>
> On the Mercedes CLs55: "Braking in this car is so brutal, it would
> be less painful to actually hit the tree you were trying to miss."
>
> "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to
> places quicker than I do?"
>
> Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars
> domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be
> on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough
> to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."
>
> "I was reading The Mirror the other day and came across a letter
> from a reader who wrote, 'I was riding my bike to work when this
> red Ferrari pulled up next to me. Out of the window, Jeremy
> Clarkson shouted 'Get a car', and drove off. What I actually said
> was, 'Get a car you hatchet faced, leaf-eating ninny'."
>
> "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe...probably
> because they don't have wheel-chair access."
>
> "If we are being honest, HIV is a pathetic virus, it can only live
> in the air for 6 seconds and it does what Ebola does to you in 10
> days in 10 years."
>
> "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough
> affordable cars on the show......so we'll kick off tonight with the
> cheapest Ferrari of them all!"
>
> On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French
> air force crashing into a firework factory."
>
> "Now as you can see I lost the battle to have two engines on the
> back because of three very important reasons. One - weight. This is
> 600 Lbs and that's the same as having a whole American sitting on
> the tailgate..."
>
> "I would still buy the DB9 over this, and save myself the £60,000.
> The problem with this car is its gearbox, its just...."
> Hammond: "THAT bad is it?"
> Clarkson: "Oh no. Robert Mugabe is bad, this is in a whole
> different league."
>
> "In the olden days I always got the impression that TVR built a
> car, put it on sale and then found out how it handled. Usually when
> one of their customers wrote to the factory complaining about how
> dead he was."
>
> "The DB9 has rear seats but no mammal yet created, not even when
> God was on the LSD trip that gave us the pink flamingo, could fit
> into them."
>
> Assessing Hammond's crash:
> Clarkson: You can see from the tape that the tyre is starting to
> come apart. Now why didn't you spot that?!"
> Hammond: "I had a lot on: I was doing 288 mph."
> Clarkson: "What do you mean you had a lot on? I can be in the
> office on the phone, doing the paperwork, kids are shouting at me,
> wife etc, if a lion walks in, I'm going to notice it!"
>
> "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-
> behaved...for a murderer."
>
> "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animals
> duty to be on my plate at supper time."
>
> "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality
> of stitching... on their face."
>
> "Racing cars which have been converted for road use never really
> work. It's like making a hard core adult film, and then editing it
> so that it can be shown in British hotels. You'd just end up with a
> sort of half hour close up of some bloke's sweaty face."
>
> "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it,
> if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under the tweed. I do,
> and it helps."
>
> "You can't have this car with a diesel, its like saying, I won't go
> to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lapdance,
> she's a woman!"
>
> "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a
> sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the
> equivalent of a President."
>
> On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive
> gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with
> gingivitis."
>
> "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an
> Ethiopian transvestite"
Chopper says - "Harden the f*** up Australia"