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14-02-2002, 07:46am
20 Yamala Drive
Frankston Vic 3199
OPEN LETTER
11th February 2002
The Hon. Steve Bracks MP
Premier of Victoria
Facsimile No: 9651 5298
Dear Steve
Once upon a time a long, long time ago, when Polka Dot Joan had ascended to the throne and was trying desperately to erase the last vestiges of the ghostly grin of Cain, someone in the strange dreamlike State of Victoria (which bore an uncanny resemblance to scenes from Alice in Wonderland) decided that they had to do something about the road toll.
It was probably before your time, way back then.
Despite the bit of bother that we had with the bankrupt bank, the building society that went down the gurgler and one or two other difficulties, whoever was then the Mad Hatter at the tea party decided to introduce the speed cameras. If you have a look back through the records of this ancient time, you will find that the Mad Hatter promised that they would only be used in black zones. The Mad Hatter promised that they would not be used for revenue raising, never placed at the bottom of hills and so on and so on and so on. And of course we all believed him.
Back in that enchanted age the Victorian Police Force was of course given the task of implementing these new creations and there was one particular officer whose dedication to duty, whose sheer brilliance in defining black spots (which had previously been entirely unrecognised as deserted stretches of multi carriage highway) and whose tireless efforts in the pursuit of justice went almost unrecognised. He was a true champion. A true believer. His name of course was Officer Einstein. He could often be found sound asleep at the wheel of a Police car, buried in the bushes at the side of a four or five lane highway or parked at the bottom a hill disguised as a rubbish bin or parked under a nice shady tree in the service lane. He was everywhere.
I was determined that he should not go unrecognised and although it may have been a bit before your time, when Jeff came to the throne I was quite determined that his efforts should not go without reward.
For some years I wrote about his exploits. Officer Einstein became quite famous then suddenly, without explanation, he mysteriously disappeared.
To this day it is unclear whether the strain of it all got too much or whether, with the road toll rising by the week, he became dispirited and saddened, by the tragedy of it all. It’s hard to know. Perhaps he was pensioned off to count the revenue that he had raised, by that stage in the tens of millions, or perhaps he was committed to a home for the deranged. Perhaps the effort of locating these mysterious black spots was just too much for the human mind to stand.
Anyhow, it was very sad. The speed cameras were now of course manned by non Police Force members. They were no longer in Police cars. They were now disguised as tradesmen’s vehicles, anonymous magnas etc. etc.
And still the road toll continued to rise. Oh well, another day, another death, another dollar in the till!
I thought I should help Jeff. Around that time I devised the Cluster Camera concept. This also was probably just a bit before your time. Anyhow, the idea was very simple: rather than have these odd and random speed devices scattered around the State, the concept was to effectively concentrate a whole bundle of them on a short stretch of highway. This would effectively mean that anyone driving a couple of kilometres would go through at least a dozen cameras, lose a dozen demerit points, be fined a couple of thousand dollars, lose their license and get off the road. You will understand that over a very short period of time, which was then calculated to be about six months, the entire Victorian population would be off the roads and the roads would become totally safe. I know there were a few economic problems with this; commerce was going to come to a halt for a start, we would all be back to horse and buggy and the streets would echo with a strange ghostly sound of horse hoofs through the night. Anyhow, it was all a bit radical at the time and it took a few years for the camera concept to actually come into operation.
I wrote to you recently about its apparent emergence on the Peninsula Freeway.
Anyhow, the road toll continued to rise. Another day, another dollar, another death.
Jeff was of course pretty busy during this time. He had a bit of bother to clear up from Polka Dot Joan and no doubt the money flowing in was of some assistance. According to latest Government figures it seems as though he collected a couple of hundred million from the speed cameras and presumably that helped to balance the budget a bit.
Anyhow, with the road toll rising and the dollars rolling in, I thought I should try and help you a bit in this area. You will remember I recently wrote to you about the Koala Camera concept. This was a more modern version of the Cluster Camera concept and essentially proposed that the cameras be disguised as koalas and placed in every tree along every major highway. The ultimate objective was essentially the same; to effectively remove all traffic from the roads and ensure that the roads were then, consequently, totally safe. I thought you had ignored it and I was really quite sad.
I shouldn’t have worried and I should have understood that matters of empire and state take a bit of time. I was so pleased to read that your soon to be completed $250m multi lane super highway between Melbourne and Geelong is now going to have its own fantastic version of the Koala Camera concept. According to media reports over the weekend, there are going to be no less than eight hidden cameras located between one end and the other of this new super highway.
Like all the previous efforts of course, this will have nothing to do with road deaths, fatalities, accidents or anything else. The road toll will continue to rise, the dollars will continue to come in until of course there is no traffic at all on the Geelong Road. You will be able to proclaim it a fantastic success, the safest road in all of Christenden. I doubt that any journalist will bother to ask you whether there were any cars actually using it or whether anyone has their license left and is able to actually drive along the new road. Anyhow, that’s a small detail. Not to worry.
But Steve, this is only one road. Where’s your imagination?
Clearly you need some more help. Here now is the new concept which I think you will agree is really the final solution.
The proposition is to place a geo synchronous satellite above the State of Victoria. This satellite, which will be linked to a huge IBM main frame somewhere in the Treasury building, will observe all vehicles travelling everywhere in Victoria 24 hours a day. It will be called Synchronic Speed Satellite (the SSS for short).
Oh hang on, we can’t quite call it that can we? Wait a moment, it’s easily fixed. We will call it the Synchronic Speed Satellite Surveillance System (the SSSSS). That’s much better.
Anyhow, this new SSSSS will monitor every vehicle moving in every direction night and day. Linked with vast IBM main frame it will have tentacles stretching into everyone’s credit card and bank account.
With a bit of careful engineering and allowing a little bit of time to shake out the bugs in the software, you should be able to capture every license holder in Victoria within the space of, let’s say, a month or so, on multiple occasions. Everyone will rack up 12 demerit points by Easter, about $500m will flow into the State’s bank accounts and half the State of Victoria will be bankrupt, but Steve, think of the joy of it all. As we approach Easter with no cars on the road, half the population bankrupt and unable to travel at all, we will have TOTALLY SAFE ROADS.
We are going to have an Easter without accident. Easter without death. You will have fixed the problem and the efforts of Officer Einstein, the experiment with the Cluster Camera and the Koala Camera will not have been in vain.
No longer will we read every day about the growing road toll. No longer will we have headlines of another day, another death. No longer will we have Chief Commissioners screaming about irresponsible drivers who “won’t learn anything”! We will have peace.
Now this is going to take some careful planning. It’s not something you rush into and you have really got to get it right this time.
There’s no point putting this under the administration of the Minister for Madness. I know he is very busy on a whole raft of projects, presumably including the current Koala Camera operation. He really is pretty stretched and unless you want the Minister for Madness to go mad and finish up with a mad Minister for Madness, you are going to have to delegate this challenging project to one of your super efficient brainiac departments.
I know, let’s give it to VicRoads. They need a bit of help. Why don’t we do a deal with the Transport Accident Commission? Neither is going to have much to do after the SSSS project. Now this may well be their swan song, but what a way to finish their august careers. Remember, these two departments are the very same departments that manage to zone roads passing a school camp, two wineries and a religious retreat with beach parking on either side at 80kpm. These are same departments that publish idiotic stopping distances and produce the stupefying series of advertisements relating to 5.05 5.5 etc. etc. But heck, you’ve got to give them a final chance, haven’t you Steve? After all these years of tireless, selfless effort they deserve that final chance of redemption.
I certainly wouldn’t want to deny them the opportunity.
Anyhow, I have got to rush now, I need to see whether I can find a nice, cheap horse and buggy before the stampede.
In the meantime, all the very best wish to the Minister for Madness. I know he’s been operating under great strain, but now that you have the solution he will be able to sleep far more soundly at night. As we all will.
Regards
David Clarke
cc Leader of the Opposition (Fax: 9651 8426)
Frankston Vic 3199
OPEN LETTER
11th February 2002
The Hon. Steve Bracks MP
Premier of Victoria
Facsimile No: 9651 5298
Dear Steve
Once upon a time a long, long time ago, when Polka Dot Joan had ascended to the throne and was trying desperately to erase the last vestiges of the ghostly grin of Cain, someone in the strange dreamlike State of Victoria (which bore an uncanny resemblance to scenes from Alice in Wonderland) decided that they had to do something about the road toll.
It was probably before your time, way back then.
Despite the bit of bother that we had with the bankrupt bank, the building society that went down the gurgler and one or two other difficulties, whoever was then the Mad Hatter at the tea party decided to introduce the speed cameras. If you have a look back through the records of this ancient time, you will find that the Mad Hatter promised that they would only be used in black zones. The Mad Hatter promised that they would not be used for revenue raising, never placed at the bottom of hills and so on and so on and so on. And of course we all believed him.
Back in that enchanted age the Victorian Police Force was of course given the task of implementing these new creations and there was one particular officer whose dedication to duty, whose sheer brilliance in defining black spots (which had previously been entirely unrecognised as deserted stretches of multi carriage highway) and whose tireless efforts in the pursuit of justice went almost unrecognised. He was a true champion. A true believer. His name of course was Officer Einstein. He could often be found sound asleep at the wheel of a Police car, buried in the bushes at the side of a four or five lane highway or parked at the bottom a hill disguised as a rubbish bin or parked under a nice shady tree in the service lane. He was everywhere.
I was determined that he should not go unrecognised and although it may have been a bit before your time, when Jeff came to the throne I was quite determined that his efforts should not go without reward.
For some years I wrote about his exploits. Officer Einstein became quite famous then suddenly, without explanation, he mysteriously disappeared.
To this day it is unclear whether the strain of it all got too much or whether, with the road toll rising by the week, he became dispirited and saddened, by the tragedy of it all. It’s hard to know. Perhaps he was pensioned off to count the revenue that he had raised, by that stage in the tens of millions, or perhaps he was committed to a home for the deranged. Perhaps the effort of locating these mysterious black spots was just too much for the human mind to stand.
Anyhow, it was very sad. The speed cameras were now of course manned by non Police Force members. They were no longer in Police cars. They were now disguised as tradesmen’s vehicles, anonymous magnas etc. etc.
And still the road toll continued to rise. Oh well, another day, another death, another dollar in the till!
I thought I should help Jeff. Around that time I devised the Cluster Camera concept. This also was probably just a bit before your time. Anyhow, the idea was very simple: rather than have these odd and random speed devices scattered around the State, the concept was to effectively concentrate a whole bundle of them on a short stretch of highway. This would effectively mean that anyone driving a couple of kilometres would go through at least a dozen cameras, lose a dozen demerit points, be fined a couple of thousand dollars, lose their license and get off the road. You will understand that over a very short period of time, which was then calculated to be about six months, the entire Victorian population would be off the roads and the roads would become totally safe. I know there were a few economic problems with this; commerce was going to come to a halt for a start, we would all be back to horse and buggy and the streets would echo with a strange ghostly sound of horse hoofs through the night. Anyhow, it was all a bit radical at the time and it took a few years for the camera concept to actually come into operation.
I wrote to you recently about its apparent emergence on the Peninsula Freeway.
Anyhow, the road toll continued to rise. Another day, another dollar, another death.
Jeff was of course pretty busy during this time. He had a bit of bother to clear up from Polka Dot Joan and no doubt the money flowing in was of some assistance. According to latest Government figures it seems as though he collected a couple of hundred million from the speed cameras and presumably that helped to balance the budget a bit.
Anyhow, with the road toll rising and the dollars rolling in, I thought I should try and help you a bit in this area. You will remember I recently wrote to you about the Koala Camera concept. This was a more modern version of the Cluster Camera concept and essentially proposed that the cameras be disguised as koalas and placed in every tree along every major highway. The ultimate objective was essentially the same; to effectively remove all traffic from the roads and ensure that the roads were then, consequently, totally safe. I thought you had ignored it and I was really quite sad.
I shouldn’t have worried and I should have understood that matters of empire and state take a bit of time. I was so pleased to read that your soon to be completed $250m multi lane super highway between Melbourne and Geelong is now going to have its own fantastic version of the Koala Camera concept. According to media reports over the weekend, there are going to be no less than eight hidden cameras located between one end and the other of this new super highway.
Like all the previous efforts of course, this will have nothing to do with road deaths, fatalities, accidents or anything else. The road toll will continue to rise, the dollars will continue to come in until of course there is no traffic at all on the Geelong Road. You will be able to proclaim it a fantastic success, the safest road in all of Christenden. I doubt that any journalist will bother to ask you whether there were any cars actually using it or whether anyone has their license left and is able to actually drive along the new road. Anyhow, that’s a small detail. Not to worry.
But Steve, this is only one road. Where’s your imagination?
Clearly you need some more help. Here now is the new concept which I think you will agree is really the final solution.
The proposition is to place a geo synchronous satellite above the State of Victoria. This satellite, which will be linked to a huge IBM main frame somewhere in the Treasury building, will observe all vehicles travelling everywhere in Victoria 24 hours a day. It will be called Synchronic Speed Satellite (the SSS for short).
Oh hang on, we can’t quite call it that can we? Wait a moment, it’s easily fixed. We will call it the Synchronic Speed Satellite Surveillance System (the SSSSS). That’s much better.
Anyhow, this new SSSSS will monitor every vehicle moving in every direction night and day. Linked with vast IBM main frame it will have tentacles stretching into everyone’s credit card and bank account.
With a bit of careful engineering and allowing a little bit of time to shake out the bugs in the software, you should be able to capture every license holder in Victoria within the space of, let’s say, a month or so, on multiple occasions. Everyone will rack up 12 demerit points by Easter, about $500m will flow into the State’s bank accounts and half the State of Victoria will be bankrupt, but Steve, think of the joy of it all. As we approach Easter with no cars on the road, half the population bankrupt and unable to travel at all, we will have TOTALLY SAFE ROADS.
We are going to have an Easter without accident. Easter without death. You will have fixed the problem and the efforts of Officer Einstein, the experiment with the Cluster Camera and the Koala Camera will not have been in vain.
No longer will we read every day about the growing road toll. No longer will we have headlines of another day, another death. No longer will we have Chief Commissioners screaming about irresponsible drivers who “won’t learn anything”! We will have peace.
Now this is going to take some careful planning. It’s not something you rush into and you have really got to get it right this time.
There’s no point putting this under the administration of the Minister for Madness. I know he is very busy on a whole raft of projects, presumably including the current Koala Camera operation. He really is pretty stretched and unless you want the Minister for Madness to go mad and finish up with a mad Minister for Madness, you are going to have to delegate this challenging project to one of your super efficient brainiac departments.
I know, let’s give it to VicRoads. They need a bit of help. Why don’t we do a deal with the Transport Accident Commission? Neither is going to have much to do after the SSSS project. Now this may well be their swan song, but what a way to finish their august careers. Remember, these two departments are the very same departments that manage to zone roads passing a school camp, two wineries and a religious retreat with beach parking on either side at 80kpm. These are same departments that publish idiotic stopping distances and produce the stupefying series of advertisements relating to 5.05 5.5 etc. etc. But heck, you’ve got to give them a final chance, haven’t you Steve? After all these years of tireless, selfless effort they deserve that final chance of redemption.
I certainly wouldn’t want to deny them the opportunity.
Anyhow, I have got to rush now, I need to see whether I can find a nice, cheap horse and buggy before the stampede.
In the meantime, all the very best wish to the Minister for Madness. I know he’s been operating under great strain, but now that you have the solution he will be able to sleep far more soundly at night. As we all will.
Regards
David Clarke
cc Leader of the Opposition (Fax: 9651 8426)