Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from
the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little
Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so
much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,
'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why,thank you,Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'
'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'
'That's great', said Little Johnnie,
'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses....'
that rockin motion out there ,eh Never mind. How about little Johnny and his dads tractor......
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
"GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted,
"IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
The Polite Way to Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:
'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young
lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying:
'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the
word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?'
Johnny said:
'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope
to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.
Two irish blokes working on a multi storey building. Paddy was on the 39th floor while Mick was on the 40th.
Mick shouts down to Paddy 'throw us a hammer up'
Paddy replies 'right ya are' and throws the hammer up.
Mick leaning out to catch it falls to his death.
The investigating team think Mick took his own life and ask the workers on the lower floors if they though Mick had anything on his mind when he commited suicide...most said they didn't really know him and couldn't say.
Finally they get to Paddy and ask him the same and he says 'I reckon Mick had sex on his mind'
'Oh why do you say that' they ask
Paddy says 'well when he passed me he shouted out cxxt'