Laughter... The Best Medicene

[PostmanPete]

[PostmanPete]

   

[Tony Nitrous]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the
circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my
wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet forabout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.







'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.
'I had to kill him with the chair'

[kev11e]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Keith. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.

In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.

I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen gain.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

[Dale]

Did you know ..

It's been clinically proven that women with large backsides live longer than men who mention it ..

[Batfink]

^^^^ but the men that mentioned it live longer than the men that actively try to be a Random Breast Tester as their t-shirt exclaims

[PostmanPete]

[PostmanPete]

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly. The pilot speaks over the intercom... "I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter A".

"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls "Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence.

"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence. A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"...
_____________________________________________________________

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.
____________________________________________________________

A Catholic boy in confession says "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister". "That's a disgrace..." said the priest "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers".
____________________________________________________________

[PostmanPete]

A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam "Is this a union house?" "No" she replied "I'm sorry it isn't". "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" The house gets $80 and the girls get $20" she answered.

Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules".

The man asked "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20". "That's more like it!" the union man said.

He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde. "I'd like her" he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir" said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"
_____________________________________________________________
A woman goes on holiday to Barbados. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him "What is your name?" "I can't tell you" the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, that he can't tell her.

On her last night there she asks again "Can you please tell me you name?" "I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me" says the black man.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you" the lady says.

"Okay. My name is Snow!" the black man replies, and the lady bursts into laughter.

The black man gets mad and says "I knew you would make fun of it!" The lady replied "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband back home who won't believe me when I tell him I had 8 inches of snow every day in Barbados!"
_____________________________________________________________

[Dale]

A MALE STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR,
"WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?".

THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER
THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT".

"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LAYING IN A BIG BED
WITH A BEAUTIFUL NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE
AND A GAY MAN ON THE OTHER.


WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

[ROD]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by.
He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete.
He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.
He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.
He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer.
He remembered everybody's birthday.
He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.
Not like me.
I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out.
But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong;
and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too.
He was the perfect man!
He never made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow.
How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian.











He died. I'm married to his f*&^ing widow."

[Dale]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."



The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

[PostmanPete]

A British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with ten beautiful, dark, young women... all au naturel.

The young man had the biggest, strongest member the British guy had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was. "He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir" came the reply. "This is his morning ritual".

"Ask him" the awed Brit said to his companion "how did his member get to be this size?" The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return. "He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my member. Doesn't the white man's member shrink in cold water too?'"
____________________________________________________________

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the check-up, the doctor called the husband's wife into his office alone. The doctor told her "Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die".

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare something especially nice for him. Don't burden him with chores. Let him rest and relax. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And, most importantly, cater to his every whim".

"If you can do this for the next 10 months to twelve months, I think your husband will regain his health completely".

On the way home, the husband asked his wife "What did the doctor say?" "Well... he said you're going to die any day now".

[PostmanPete]

[Dale]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10-inch black and white TV

But I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed, and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman ...

She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV ..